I see it now from my bed
your energy hovers around the chair
where you sat daily or on nightly visits
talking of anarchy --
your favorite defecation spots throughout the city
and who you want dead
in nervous mania
and alternating depression
waiting for some signal
to coincide with your inner urges
that I want you on my bed
you'd pace and rant
and finally come near
a quick bend of the knees brought you beside me
pulling my back up against your chest in a hug
we talk like that
an hour or more
then you progress things by sticking your
tongue in my ear---
sending shivers down my skin
we breathe in & out simultaneous pants
declaring it damn hot in here
separate to open a window loosen our clothes
back on the bed wrestling laughing
several times we end two hours that way
I watch you calculate the clock face
"Next time I'm gonna eat your pussy till your hair stands on end"
you'd tell me, or " I'll stretch your mouth out"(meaning with your dick)
Some nights you came down from your room to sleep
with me ---nuzzle and kiss
laugh and talk all night long.
I've forgotten the order of things
but one night Alex took us to a bar
I had a few scotch-rocks you had 5 bottles of imported beer
We left together hand in hand, "you're beautiful" you told me.
back in my bed you pull off my black tights
I hear you hold your breath as your finger
slips between my lower lips
examining the erect clitoris then finger in ---
"You're wet" you said admiringly
and I thought--That's what most white men say at this stage---
I wonder how each secret intimacy is learned and passed on
I lay still spinning and a little drunk
Your movements beside me rapidly pulling off your shirt and pants
my legs must have been spread enough
for you climb in-between looking down at my body, "your beautiful"
dick so large I had to guide it to the spot with my hand
panting---a drop of your sweat falls on my lips
I felt a twitching toward a climax
but you got off me without coming
"Damn, I lasted more than 5 minutes..." proud of yourself
considering the psychiatric drug effects
The next day I run errands
all the time sensing pink tenderness between my lips my legs
a stretched raw largeness that I secretly smile about
Thinking---damn, he's only 28
finds me attractive enough to fuck
and I'm 44----
That Wednesday
your footsteps hesitate next to mine
and I sense a slow-motion changing
broken through with each step
distancing---
police took you to the psych ward---
didn't see you for days
Visit on Sunday
looking into your eyes(standing in the hallway)
you into mine equally
nothing exchanged just blank evenness---
a friend interrupts with words
don't know what I expect---
When I'm about to leave we grab each other
kiss deeply good-bye--
You stay locked up through New Years Eve
call me just before midnight
to say you miss me---
days and days went where we only talk on the phone
Then the change reverses itself
or begin to --I feel it begin
but did not recognize what was happening
on that spot where our last footsteps passing
fell that Wednesday --- the last I saw you well--
A man selling store packages of white sheets on the sidewalk
that fit my queen-size bed--
I did something out of the ordinary buying them
White not something I normally would have bought--
return to my room remove the black silk sheets
( I also have black cotton sheets, navy blue, medium blue, coral
no white until that day)
stretch the white sheets over my bed---
their basicness---home---hospital white
in my head --- up all night
I climb into them at 5 a.m.
much stiffer than the silk
sleep and dream---
pounding on my door wakes me at noon
Who is it? I ask "It's me," you say--
come in and take me to the bed--
sliding in and out you inform me
I'm your girlfriend whether I like it or not--
(obviously I do)
You last a long time
want me to have an orgasm, you said
but I didn't
a slight bloodstain on the white sheets
from your largeness where we'd been a long time you lasting --
as if our wedding bed---
knock on
my door 10:a.m.
HEALTH INSPECTOR
roll
out of bed grumbling
open up
weird for me to see
an Asian man
hearing him speak perfect
American English
the first I've encountered
since returning from Hong Kong
He comes in
asks if the sink leaks---
if I've seen any mice---
eyes sweep up and down
my red silk nightgown
his thoughts nervous suddenly
glance catches my blow-dryer
on the floor
partially covered by paper & books
--he steps closer to get a look
disappointed it's only a blow dryer
and not an electric vibrating dildo--
the first time I saw
a face like his living
outside contemporary painting
sitting on my suitcase waiting
outside the Hong Kong arts library
he walked past
his skin base flat
as a sheet of ruddy hued paper
his features skillfully drawn on in color
startled
when his eyes rotated in their sockets
young no wrinkles
the lines of his eyes & mouth straight color
hair as short as smooth brush strokes
clothes straight as an illustration
for mens wear
in color in some fashion magazine
First he passed to my right
then back across in front of me to my left
sitting on top my heavy luggage
so couldn't follow him to get another look
as he turned the corner of the building
never saw him again
I feel as flat as an acrylic painting on stretched canvas
my reflection in the plate glass window
black broad stokes of my jacket sleeves & square shoulders
the white V of my neckline
side parted hair straight down in dark brown & red sienna strokes
flat white shape of my face with small scarlet lips painted on
large gray-blue eyes and dark arched brows
silver hoop earrings
watch strapped on slim wrist of one white hand
all just flat interesting shapes in the composition
at first when the manager gave me
a portable black & white TV,
really not interested in having it
in my room
but now I leave it turned on
to keep sound in here
drown-out sounds in the hall--
wall pay-phone ringing
with no answer stops--rings again
Hear every shouted word dispute
with the manager--every complaint--
lost keys late rent mail not received
or the night manager after 10 p.m.
even less astute dealing with people
calls the police when
he hears a man snoring
in the womans bathroom--almost directly
across the hall from my room--
the cops come and roust the guy out
a junkie asleep in the bathtub
after he's shot-up
When I hear sounds out there--
some guy pissing loud into toilet water
or a big fat woman grunting & farting
into the toilet bowl--I turn up the volume
only now I'm stuck listening to the TV
day and night or listening to them
when I read and write
want to listen to me
I've had a room for around 6 months
entire time hammering and drilling
going on downstairs
Some white couple with money
constructing a clean spot
in this neighborhood--for selling health food
now that the construction over
I like the fact they are down there
and going to stay--
they keep music playing all day long
sort of a light-muzac-jazzy sound
that drowns-out traffic noises
other tenants voices
Just now an instrumental Beatles tune
Come together
right now
over-me...
Doot doot Dooot Dee Dah
Doot doot Dooot Dee Dah
I'm glad to have that music
the place a little more bearable with it
Now another Beatles tune, with lyrics
SOMETHING IN THE WAY SHE LOVES ME...