the (k)nights that never come

the ones that never leave
but hang limp across your shoulders
damp around your face
the ones of whole summers
spent in the attempt
to drown yourself

in little boys' eyes
and their bottles
as ceremony for the peanut-popping effigy
of Before

you move unnoticed past the nights
darkly aware of the freight train at 4AM
and what you're capable of
but won't do
because undiscovered in Atlanta
lying alone doesn't fix anything
you might as well go home
you might as well go stomping

Untitled

whatever i wish i will write i will not ballpark but pinpoint
i will not beat around anything
or "straighten up"- i plan to begin from the firstto curseand scream and stop
sucking at my little 24-case of diet cokes, stop
self-searching in my pretty marbled universe-ity,
eschewing my posh unlimited mealplan lunch,
i will meet with mother's tears but I will stopI will say
my mother is made of crystal, my father of granite and greed
but sister is a wire, skinny she quivers for Jesus never breaking
and my poor brother: a lamb schooled in bullish ways
by Bull senior, and noone besides.and me, i was a little girl in shadows,
on other sides of walls, i was not seenknowing too much
saying little but done with dark hiding,I've been speaking now for maybe a year
sick to death of the subjects haunting:daddy and his womensister and religion
brother's gullibilityand mother's forced naivetyi'm running now, not home
where the money pulses from bruised lips,
(last spring, twodollarpills slid smooth out the tube)
but in place- the summer of my insurrectionjust passed
i tried to piss on priviledgebut it kissed me back

safety in vices

Fixation I was writing volumes in the dark after shots
After shhooting back the glass shot glass
Making foul liquor faces made fun of by boys who want
in my pants
With each throwback they moved eyeswide closer
drool divulging thinking
Snickering I grinned I got drunk for free
They got hard off my smokey breath but they got so close
guessing I’d give it up, they thought I’d fall down
falling so they could help me up
but at 3:04, going back for more didn’t seem all that smart
when on the 3rd floor there was someone
(he’s sleeping now) who’d wrap me warm in his bed (I wish)
Christian, I don’t watch him from the past
But he sees me now, not past, he’s sees me fat he’s sees me fast
But I’m going home now
Where no one thinks of me, I’m so damn pretty drunk
I’m so damn ugly free

wedding to remember

Hey mother, what's this he's saying?
Hey Jesus, are you hearing this?
Daddy, I think you've finally lost it.
I think you keep on going
having been gone all this time.
I think I should ignore it.
Is that what Jesus would do?

I burn my eyes on the words
on the lies, i burn my mouth
to re taliate
to re cognize
to finally incinerate
the ties that never bound
not me maybe but you sister, brother,
mother may I have this drink?

mother may I numb this thing?

may I make the cloth they make for me
because you know-

if#%I'm^!gonna$#do*&this

I must be doused in blue.